I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
