I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
