had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
