his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
