and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
