His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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