I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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