I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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