I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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