I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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