Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Don't make out with my wife yet
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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