Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
