I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
