You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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