dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
