I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
