my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
