so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
It was confusing and full of hummus
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
