Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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