i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
You're a waste of cheezeits
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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