Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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