Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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