Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Randomize
