just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
