I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
