just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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