I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
