You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Randomize
