Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
