what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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