The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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