You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
