u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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