Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize