This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
