Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
