I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
