6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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