She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
