Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
