you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
