never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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