Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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