Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Randomize
