shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
