I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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