My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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