Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
