i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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