Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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