Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
