My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
