gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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