Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
