i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
