Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
