The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
