hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I need to calm my uterus...
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
