i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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