This is not my ceiling
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
