Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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