Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
