I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
