i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
