I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize