I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
two words: eviction party
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
