I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
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