i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
