I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
