I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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