Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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