If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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