Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize