If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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