I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I wish I only lived at night.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
