I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
