Can i not drive my cunt home
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
