Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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