You're completely useless in the revolution.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize